The Courtesan Family By Rene Kalbfuss - 1994 "Well, Cookie, it's time to go to bed--do you want a bed-time story?" Grandma asked. "Grandma tell me what it was like in the old days, when they had just amputated your leg." Cookie asked. "I remember World War II, but I was too young to remember World War I. During the war and after the war there was a lot of money floating around, and we took advantage of the situation. There were a lot of European executives who were living in exile here. Corporation presidents or CEOs were a dime a dozen. "I used to lurch staggering on my crutches with one very high heeled shoe with a one inch platform and barely maintained my balance into the bar at the Plaza Hotel. I would wear a split skirt so that on occasion, my stump would show and I would shake it or wiggle it and give them my pathetic helpless look. I sometimes would deliberately lose my balance on my crutches, and fall,--my, did I get help right away. I never owned an artificial leg--nor did your mother, Liza--and when you turn 18, we hope you will have one of your legs amputated and join the family. "Anyhow, those CEO's would help me to my foot--seeing quite a glimpse of stump, and I would pout and complain, "Pity poor me--since I lost my leg I can't drink and stand,etc. Which would elicit the almost universal--Poor poor,-- "Helen, Helen Mueller, which would get their names. They would buy me a drink and soon -- we would be off to our apartment, on Fifth Avenue. "We have always operated on a five men schedule--each man gets one day a week and we get Saturday and Sunday off. Frankly, I've always needed Saturday and Sunday to unwind and get to my various beauty salons. Did you say you wanted to hear some of the stories of when I was young and just had my leg amputated?" "We have a family tradition to have one of our legs amputated the week after high school graduation and, of course we have our own doctors, so that this operation is always performed right here at the apartment. The operation is performed just with a local anesthetic and spinal block so that we can watch the whole opera tion. We always have one leg amputated about mid-thigh so that we can still walk on crutches. We don't want to be in wheelchairs do we? Ma was sitting there also. "Ma--did you ever run into any of your former classmates from high school?" "Yes, now that you mention it--I was very close to one of the Šboys in my senior class--one time I ran into him at the Carnegie Delicatessen---and he was so surprised to see that I had lost a leg. I told him I had been run over by one of those aggressive Fifth Avenue buses. Poor me! and of course--he was so sorry to hear my story. I told him that I would probably get some sort of legal settlement so that I probably would never have to work. Cookie--is there a boy you're kind of close to? "Yes, but I know that it would interfere with our family tradi tion. You know, it is nice to have family traditions and roots. We've had this apartment forever--and most of the kids in my classes are only here for five years and then it's on to their parents, next assignment. "Ma, tell me again what it was like to turn 18." "Well--when I turned 18 and school was finished--we had the Doctor over for dinner the night before the big day, and he would do all his preliminaries. Like examine the leg and muscles, and check the ol' heart and lungs etc. We had a big photo session with grand-ma and me wearing formal gowns, sport clothes, finish ing up with bathing suits and finally the nude shots. We always do it up right--after all how often does a debutante have her leg amputated. so we had a professional photographer in so that the photos would be of the best quality. We always like to show the photos of grandma and me to prospective clients so that they will see we come from quite a tradition. "Would you like to see the slides and color photos again?? "You know--I never get tired of seeing them. I always talk to classmates in high school. There are so many divorces and there is so much pain--I really think our way is the best!!! I know who my father is and there is plenty of support money--but there is none of that old fashioned emotionalism--just comfort and humor and love within our own family. "I love to go to the museums and imagine that I was on crutches and that some poor guy came up and wanted desperately to come home with me. Well, it will happen in several months and I can HARDLY wait to go out on crutches my first time. - - - "That was some graduation--weren't you proud of granny and me on our crutches. A lot of men were there and their eyes sure bulged in some erotic curiosity didn't they???," my mother was so excit ed to see all those sheep in wolves clothing--did I get that right??? "I winked at my mother, I can hardly wait til next week??" This was at the local ice cream parlor. --- Š"We had quite a dinner which we called my "coming out party! While I was not a debutante--within several weeks or a month--I would have my coming out party. We would probably go out to eat at one of the better French restaurants--three women all on crutches. Three women--three legs--three shoes!!! Ah, let's get back to my coming out party. . . "It is so seldom that you have the heads of aerospace chemical and shipping all together at one party for an 18 year old. They were all here all the clients--they would be back in a month for my coming out on crutches. . . "Doctor Eldridge, Does everything seem ok?? My mother and grand mother asked. "Yep, We'll have a smooth operation and hopefully the recovery will go smoothly also. Like you all I can hardly wait--it is so seldom that I can get together with one of my former patients and have her offer me her daughter for the same operation --and everybody is eager for the amputation. Usually parents and the clients are so upset to lose a leg. "I have a funny story to tell you all--in the 19th century--there was a doctor who made a specialty of amputations--Lord knows there were so many more of them in that era. Anyhow, Dr. Butcher, that really was his name, was super-fast and efficient. He was always striving to get faster and more efficient. Well one day he did his cutting, sawing and cauterizing in less than two minutes, but when he got all done he noticed that he had slipped with the scalpel and had actually cut off several of his own fingers in the rush. Well--we will take our time tomorrow and, Cookie, you'll see the whole thing. "Doctor, can you cut off the toes or foot and toes and put them in a pickling jar--I would like to have them as a souvenir!!! "Why sure, Cookie anything you want.--it will be my pleasure!!! "Now we are going to have our famous photo session--We already were dressed in our gowns so the first picture went very quickly. Then we retired to the bedroom to put on mini-dresses our little black dresses that showed off grandma's and mom's stumps. They came out of their bedrooms on crutches swinging those thigh- stumps back and forth just to watch the men get their hard-ons. still instantly after all those years. . . Now tomorrow--I'm going to hear the cutting-sawing and then in several weeks -- I'll learn to walk on crutches for real. Up until now--I had only played with them. The next morning I was up early--and did not get anything to eat or drink--actually the night before I was supposed to eat light ly--if you went to a hospital--they would admit you the night before and no food, but since I was only getting a spinal they let me eat lightly. Š"Anyhow--I climbed into a dental chair and stretched out--first there was a local then the spinal--then they loaded my thigh with local anesthetics. After about 1/2 hour -- They were ready to start my very own first amputation. I had seen a video tape so that I knew exactly how they were going to cut and tie off in the front--then cut and tie off in back, then the sawing of the bone--it sure didn't feel like my bone. I was kind of playing with the toes before they went into a pickling jar. Then after a while I was shaking them in the jar watching them bounce off one another. THOSE WERE MY TOES!!! After they cut the bone what a funny sound the sawing made. They used a small electric saw and it was done in 30 seconds. How much did my leg weigh without the toes and how much could I allow when I stood on the scale for the leg--It weighed 19 pounds--not bad. I could hardly wait to wear black, sleek nylons--tights or whatever with a high-high super high heel. It would be only several weeks. In the mean time, it was off to bed after they sewed up my NEW STUMP-STUMP STUMP-WOW! I'm an amputee-crip-physically challenged--call it what you want- but I'm high on my stump!!! "My mother and grandma and the maid waited on me hand and foot (singular!!!) I got medication to relieve the pain which they tapered off after two weeks and then I went on crutches and dressing came off and I got to look at my STUMP in the mirror!!! "As I went out the downstairs door the first time the doorman tactfully said--I see you had an accident--hope you feel better and that was all--but he knew--everybody in the building knew--but so what--we were very quiet tenants so nobody com plained. "I went for a walk along Fifth Avenue--the sun was shining--and I was attracting my share of stares and even a few whistles. I was wearing a micro-mini which showed most of my stump with a small dressing on the bottom, and one high heel shoe--I wasn't going to wear 4 inch heels though until I was completely healed. --- "My mother called the car and we went down to a French restaurant in Soho. It was our first time out all three of us on crutches. Naturally our family photographer took our picture and we had quite a crowd of clients all wishing me the best. "About two months after my "accident," we had a party in the apartment--My mother and grandma invited some of the young up and coming attorneys, young execs and I was going to get my own calendar: I wore a maillot black body suit with black nylons which showed my new stump so beautifully. I had a nice taper already. This was my first experience with a four inch heel and showing off my new stump for the crowd. Some of the guys were sons and grandsons of the family's earlier clients. We like to keep things in the family.- I was complimented on my figure which was newly enhanced with its new asymmetry. I liked swinging my Šnew stump in a different manor than the one long lithe leg which now walked slightly more under my center point of gravity. I loved hearing the click of the high-heel with the more solid thump of the rubber tipped crutches. Click--Thump--Click--Thump. "I quickly booked up my own five days and was going to live happily ever after. and at the age of 30-- I would start my own courtesan family. You see, it was all planned except the proud pappa, who would probably be one of my five. So to all you fellow courtesans in the same situations--keep those stumps swinging.
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