All In The Family

 All in the family





I was pretty nervous by the time I drove up to the house. Well, wouldn't you be when you're about to meet your new girlfriend's family for the first time? And the fact that my new girlfriend was a special lady didn't exactly help to put my nerves at ease either.





I had met her two weeks before in the lobby of a cinema. It was intermission time and everyone was queuing to get something to drink. Except for this good looking brunette that was standing slightly offside to the crowd. She immediately caught my attention, since she was leaning on two fore-arm crutches. The reason for the crutches was quite obvious. There was no left leg to be seen.





Despite a racing heart and a freshly broken out sweat I managed to control myself and inconspicuously joined the queue to try and get hold of a coke. After I got one I more or less casually drifted nearer to where she was standing, and I noticed that she had been joined by another girl, this one a pretty blonde, with no apparent lack of any limbs. A quietly observed the pair, and before I knew it the signal went off indicating that the movie was about to continue.





After enjoying the rest of the movie I started to move towards the exit, and by some weird stroke of luck bumped into the one-legged brunette, who promptly fell over. It goes without saying that I apologised sincerely, and then a thought struck me: I invited the girl for a drink, their choice of place, to make up for my lack of attention. To my surprise they accepted.





They directed me to a quiet little bar, where they apparently were regular customers, because the bartender greeted them by their first names. We talked and laughed, and I learned that Lisa - that's her name - had lost her leg in a car crash. In fact, her left leg had been so badly mangled that they had to perform what is called a disarticulation at the hip. Also, a small part of her hip bone had been removed. Her type of amputation made it very difficult for her to use an artificial leg, and she had discarded that possibility very soon. She always went on crutches after that.





The other girl, Amanda, had been Lisa's friend ever since the two of them were two years old, and - as Lisa explained - was almost like a sister. You know how those relationships work.





So that's how it started. The next two weeks were heaven. Lisa, the one-legged girl, accepted my diner invitation for the next day, and we did see each other every day for the next two weeks. I was falling in love. And so was she, apparently, because she asked if I would come over for the weekend to meet her family. She made it very clear, by normal and by body language, that she wanted to be steady with me, as the expression goes.





So one early Friday evening I found myself sitting in my car that I had just parked in front of Lisa's house, gathering courage to get out, walk to the front door, and ring the bell. Lisa had told me to be there around six o'clock, because that's when the whole family would gradually be coming in for their monthly get-together. Lisa was still living with her parents, and her mother had at one time established a tradition to have all children and their partners (if any) over for the weekend. It would be an ideal time to meet them all, so Lisa explained.





When I had finally gathered enough courage, I walked to the house and pressed the door bell. After a couple of seconds the door was opened by a middle aged man:





"Hi! Come in, come in! You must be Thomas. I'm Lisa's dad. Lisa told me to expect you. She's upstairs and will be down in a minute." He ushered me in, told me to sit down and to call him Harold, and asked me if I would like something to drink.





Harold was the prototype of a genuinely nice man, and he still is, by the way. He didn't look at all like the fifty-three year old man that he actually is. He looks far more youthful, in fact I have seen men in their thirties who older. And more depressed. If anything, Harold was definitely not depressed.





The definition of a minute, as in "down in a minute" is of course "close to a quarter of an hour". So naturally Harold and I got into conversation. What I did for a living, what he did for a living, stuff like that, but never did he give the impression that he was checking me out. He was just genuinely interested.





After about ten minutes the sound of a car horn came from outside the house. "Ah, excuse me, Thomas, that'll be the wife with the groceries. I have to give her a hand with that. Be right back."





He got up opened the door and went out, presumably to get the groceries out of his wife's car. Meanwhile his wife came in. I was flabbergasted. In strode the most stunningly beautiful late-fortyish/early-fiftyish women I had ever seen. Ah, but what exactly is beauty? In this case a very pretty face, very elegant clothing, but above all a missing right arm and right leg! The sweater that she wore had no right sleeve, the right shoulder being neatly sewn up. The jeans had no right leg but snugly fit the stumpless hip. It appeared to me as a disarticulation as well, both at the hip and at the shoulder.





The way she moved with only her one crutch defies any description. I had stood up when she arrived, but now stood nailed to the floor. She approached me.





"Hello. You must be Thomas, right?" She extended her left hand, which I took as in a dream.





"Lisa has already told us a lot about you. She's made us curious to get to know you. You two seem to have it on, so to speak."





"Err....yes....errrr"





"Well, well, and very eloquent, too!" she said, smiling. "I'm sorry, Thomas, but I can't help myself. I just love to surprise people with my appearance. And I seem to have succeeded again."





"I'm sorry, ma'am, it's just, well, I hadn't expected...."





"Well, how could you have? Come on, sit down, have a sip of whatever you're drinking, and relax. I won't bite."





I sagged back down onto the couch. I was just about to carefully formulate my next sound, when she said:





"To cut a long story short: same car crash that Lisa lost her leg in. My arm was gone on the spot, my leg was badly crushed, but still attached to my body. They 'saved' it, so to speak. But after two years of horrible pains and lots of other trouble, I decided to have it removed. Now I am as you see me, one-legged and one-armed and as happy as you can imagine."





"Yes, ma'am", was all that came out of the orifice in the front of my head.





"Whoa, strong reply!" she laughed.





"Mother, stop teasing him!" That was Lisa's voice coming from the top of the stairs. Stairs!? Only now did I realise that this house had stairs! Now, wouldn't you want to move, having a disabled wife and daughter? Strange....





Lisa came hopping down the stairs, using one crutch and the hand rail for balance. I noticed that her other crutch was waiting for her at the bottom of the staircase.





"OK, time for me to leave you for a couple of minutes. I have to change anyway. Be right back." Lisa's mother hopped towards the stairs and in a most amazing way started to climb them!





"Aren't those stairs a bit of a bother for the two of you?" I asked Lisa.





"No, not at all. Keeps us in shape."





We sat on the couch.





"Look, Thomas, I'm sorry if my mother surprised you, but that's how she is. Very soon after the amputation of her leg she decided that the best way to confront people in her new condition was, well, to confront them. Don't give them a chance to stare surreptitiously, only give them a chance to look you straight in the eye. It works, most of the time anyway. I'm beginning to adopt her approach myself, and I must admit, it helps me."





"Well, it's not only her missing limbs that surprised me. She is a very pretty lady anyway. And what's more, I think she's nice, too. So is your dad, by the way."





"Well, that's my family for you, a great bunch of nice guys and gals. Wait till you meet my sisters and brother. I did tell you I have two sisters and one brother, didn't I?"





"Yep, you did. Let me think...Laura, she's older than you are. Then there's Lucille, she's two years younger, and your brother's name is Charles. He's the youngest."





Lisa laughed. "Well, well, you've done your homework!" Then she became serious.





"Look, Tom, I have to tell you something. The reason I wanted to see more of you in the past two weeks is because I think I'm starting to love you. I have feelings about you that I have never had before. Anyway, we talked about that already. But there's a second reason, which is also the reason I invited you over to meet my folks. I think you secretly hold special feeling towards people like me and my mum. You know, amputees."





This remarks immediately put me in the red face league. Lisa was absolutely right, of course, and apparently had caught on to me way before I was ready to confess to her. Well, what's there to confess? It's not "bad", is it? Lisa continued.





"Anyway, you seem to be the kind of guy I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. That's how I feel right this moment."





"Lisa, I am ashamed that I haven't yet had the guts to tell you, but yes, the fact that you're missing a leg was the main reason for my interest in you. But in the meantime I have gotten to know you, and so far, I haven't found anything, neither physically nor emotionally, to change my mind. God, that sounds analytic, doesn't it!? What I mean is, I like you. A lot. A great big enormous lot." And by way of exclamation mark I kissed her.





"Silly!" she exclaimed. "You're nuts! But as long as you're nuts about me, it's okay."





*****





After Lisa's dad had come back in and her mother had come back down, now dressed in a casual armless dress, showing her equally armless shoulder we got into a lively talk. The second and third round of drink sure helped to loosen nerves and tongues.





After about an hour another car drove up to the house. "Ah, that'll be Laura and her husband," Lisa's mother explained as she got up to open the door (her hopping absolutely drives me nuts!). And again I got a shock! In came Laura, who was completely armless! My God, what kind of a family was this!? Fortunately Lisa succeeded in drawing my attention, otherwise I would still be staring at Laura.





"Thomas, meet Laura, my older sister, Laura, this is Thomas I told you about. Oh, and Tom, this is Fred, Laura's husband."





Laura, it turned out had been born that way. There were no shoulders either. She was a thalidomide victim, although seeing how she used her legs and feet as we would our arms and feet certainly made me redefine the word 'victim'. I was told that Laura and Fred had two children, but they were staying at Fred parents' for the weekend. Fred's dad had a sailing boat and their kids were absolutely crazy about sailing.





When I think about it now, I realise that having an armless daughter, and sister, must have made these people so much more at easy with the idea of missing limbs. I think it must have helped Lisa and her mother overcome their accident. Anyway, I couldn't believe my luck. Here I was, a devotee, right in the middle of a family with three amputees, and quite in love with one of them.





Lisa and her mother and sister went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. I wondered just how they would manage, but I was supposed to stay in the living room and wait, together with Lisa's dad, who didn't hesitate to drop the bombshell.





"So, Thomas, you're one of the uniquely interested, aren't you? Don't worry, I am one myself, and you can imagine I am one of the happiest men alive right now."





"Well, yes, you're right, Harold. There's no reason to deny it, not here anyway. I guess Lisa caught on to me right away."





"You bet! She's very perceptive. Takes after her mother in that respect. But I have a confession to make. She told us about you last week and that she intended to invite you some time. It was me and my wife who came up with the idea to invite this weekend so that we had the chance to confront you with both Lisa's mum and sister."





This statement didn't really take me by surprise. It was just the sort of thing these people would do, without any malice intent, by the way.





Before our conversation could continue, the door bell rang. Harold got up.





"That's probably Charlie with his new girlfriend."





I stood up again to meet the new arrivals. And then nearly fell over from the surprise I got. Charlie's "new girlfriend" wheeled herself in, immediately followed by a good look young man, presumably Charlie. The girlfriend had no legs, only two equally long stumps, neatly enclosed in tight fitting jeans. Good Lord, would these surprises ever stop!? What kind of family had I got into?





The girl, Tina, wheeled herself over to where I was standing and introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Tina. You must be the Thomas Lisa has been blabbering on about."





I took her hand and managed to utter a weak "Yeah, that's me."





"Hi, I am Charles, Lisa's brother," the young man interrupted. I shook his hand, too. Boy, this was some lucky guy!





Harold and I settled back into our seats, while Charles pulled up another chair after having poured himself and Tina a drink. Tina manoeuvred her wheelchair right alongside where I was sitting.





In hindsight it was pretty logical for Charles to get involved with an amputee. Due to Laura's armless state and after the accident in which Lisa and her mother had lost their limbs, the family had very often been around other amputees, in rehab centres, in support groups, you name it. Charles and Lucille, both having a full set of limbs were in contact with amputees from that moment on. Especially Charles had made it a point to accompany Lisa of his mother as often as possible to such gatherings as possible. He naturally developed a keen interest in the female amputee. And so it was only logical that his girlfriends were amputees, too. His latest conquest, Tina, appeared to be the true "special one"; they were planning to get married in three months.





So, the family was almost complete. The only one not present yet was the youngest sister, Lucille (who preferred to be called Lucy, so I was told). I was starting to wonder if yet another surprise was in store for me. What would Lucy be like? What surprise could she probably have? Most of the permutations were already present: missing one leg in Lisa's case, missing one arm and one leg in her mother's case, Laura was missing both arms, and Tina was missing both legs. What else could there be? Missing all limbs, perhaps?





I caught myself in this mathematical analysis just in time. What was I thinking!? These are people, damn it!





At that moment Lisa's mother hopped in from the kitchen. What a sight!





"Thomas, Lisa asks if you could please join her in the kitchen. She's got something to tell you," she said. "You better refill your glass first."





Charles got up and took my tumbler. "The same, Tom?" he asked on his way to the drinks cabinet.





"Yes, please."





Charles handed my glass sat down again. An eerie silence suddenly hung over our little group, and I decided to get to the kitchen before this silence became uncomfortable. "Well, if you'll excuse me."





I went into the kitchen, where Lisa sat at the kitchen bar. She pointed at a stool opposite hers, and I sat down. She had a very serious look on her face.





"Thomas, I think this is when we ought to prepare you for the next bombshell this family is about to drop on you. It's about Lucille...."





Oh, God, it was going to get worse! Or better!?





"You may not understand this, but we're going to have to tell you. You're reaction towards what I'm about to tell you is crucial. If you'll feel that you'd have to get out of here, like a good number of other guys have done before you, please don't hesitate. Most people just can't take it."





I stared at her blankly. "Errr...what...."





Lisa went on. "We discussed this, my family and I. Sooner or later you will find out, and we thought that instead of letting find out by yourself, like we did with former boyfriends of me or my sisters, we decided to tell you today. It will tell you a lot about us. And your reaction will tell us a lot about you. Since you're my guy, or rather, since I would like you to be my guy, I volunteered to be the one to tell you."





Silence. I stared at Lisa, and just when I started to open my mouth, Lisa continued.





"As I said, it's about Lucille. Or rather, it's about all of us, because we more or less share Lucille's ideas."





I broke in: "What the hell is this about!? You are making me awfully curious and not a little nervous, I might add. What is it about Lucille, and about you, that is supposed to scare me away? Because, that's the point, isn't it? You're gonna see how I react to something and find out if I'll get scared or not."





"Calm down, Thomas, calm down, and hear me out."





Silence followed, as if she was still trying to find the right approach to tell me whatever it was she was going to tell me.





I looked back at Lisa. "Well?"





"OK. The fact that Laura was born without arms, that mum lost two limbs in the car crash, and that I also lost a leg, has put some pretty strong ideas in Lucille's mind. So over the past couple of years she more and more wanted to become like her mother and sisters: an amputee. At the same time, my dad and Charlie developed a, shall we say, preference for ladies who are minus a limb. Or two. Daddy has always had this interest, so he claims, so my mothers new condition only helped to deepen his feelings for her. Charlie has been interested in amputee girls he came into contact with some of mum's and my friends. I think you know what I'm talking about, because I think you share such feelings."





It wasn't a question and no answer was expected. But she was right, of course. She went on.





"Lucille developed strong wannabe feelings over the years. Above anything else, she wanted to become like her mother or one of her sisters. When we were out, *we* always got the stares and the attention. Nobody saw Lucille. At first my parents didn't think much of her simulating having one leg, using a pair of my crutches to move about the house. And that was the big mistake; she was never taken seriously."





The rest of the family was utterly silent. They had the attitude of an audience who had heard this story before, more than once. Not the bored attitude of people listening to the umpteenth repetition, however. It got the uncomfortable feeling that it was all building up to something. Lisa, sensing my apprehension, decided to delay no longer.





"So, one day Lucille went out, just as she always did, to go to school. An hour later we got a call from one of her school teachers. She was in hospital. To cut the story short, she had gone to the rail road track nearby, had lied down with one over the rails and waited for the freight train that passed by every morning. The driver had seen her - he was the one who had alerted the rescuers - but had been unable to stop the train. Her leg was gone at the knee, but due to the damage they had to amputate just below her hip."





I must have gone a little pale. "You okay, Tom?"





"Yeah....well....umm...." I was lost for words, and took another sip of my drink. I barely managed to suppress a coughing fit. Lisa touched my hand.





"I realise that this must be a bombshell for you, Tom, but we do feel that it's better to tell you now than have you find out on your own later."





"Uhhh, yeah, you're right. I do appreciate your telling me this. But I don't think it is relevant to what we feel for each other. Is it?"





"No, well, at least, not as far as *I* am concerned. But you just wait a while, Tom, because there's more."





Good Lord! What could possibly top this?





"Lucille recovered and returned home. Things returned to normal, or what goes for normal in this household. Two months later Lucille repeated her stunt. In hindsight we know we shouldn't have let her go out on her own, but she was only going to visit her school friend about a block from here. When her friend called why she hadn't arrived yet, we immediately became very suspicious. And we were right. Lucille had managed to get her other leg damaged to a point where they could do nothing else but remove it. She had planned it all very carefully. She had even applied a tourniquet to minimise blood loss. She had told her rescuers that she had had the presence of mind to tie off her leg after having been run over by the train, but we knew better. She had tied it off, and *then* had put her leg over the tracks.  That was three years ago. And six months ago, shortly after she had left the house in her wheelchair to go to the mall with two of her friends, one of these friends called to say that they had lost sight of her. The girl was rather distressed, because she knew of Lucille's previous two 'accidents'. Her fears were justified. While her friends had been waiting in a queue to get some ice cream, Lucille had made her escape. She had wheeled into the park opposite the mall, where she had noticed some guys grinding chopped wood into small splinters using some awful machine. She had waited for the men to move off and had somehow managed to turn on the machine. She had then put her left arm into it. It is still not clear how she managed to circumvent the safety catch, but she did. Her arm was gone to the elbow, but they couldn't save that. She now has an eight inch stump."





I was absolutely speechless. Could this possibly be true. Could someone do this to himself? Or herself? I did know about people who more than anything else wanted to loose a limb, some of them even wanted to get rid of two. But to actually go so far as to stage three accidents in order to have your legs and an arm removed, and at the same time putting yourself into mortal danger, that was something unheard of. At least by me.





"Where is she now? Is she being treated for her psychological condition?" I asked, and at the same moment realised my mistake. That was not the kind of question Lisa had wanted to hear.





"Do you think it might make a difference!?" she snapped. "Will it get her her limbs back!?"





"No, of course not, I'm sorry. What I mean is, isn't her wish to loose limbs something similar to the death wish of someone who is suicidal? Shouldn't she have counselling, or something like that? Maybe I'm wrong, but her problem is in her head, isn't it?"





"Well, yes, when your older sisters always get all the attention, you're bound to try to emulate them. But the problem isn't hers alone. It's ours, as a family."





She was close to tears. Well, I could understand that. Slowly I was getting an idea of how this family was put together. It was the most intriguing mixture of amputees, wannabees and devotees, and that was probably a cause for a lot of mixed feelings among the family members. I myself, I could only begin to imagine how Harold and Charles were feeling. I too have a strong fascination with the female figure who is missing one or more limbs. But at times, I also felt horribly guilty about this interest. How could one possibly be attracted to someone else's misery?





Furthermore, I found it highly unlikely that they hadn't taken any steps to avoid a second, and even a third attempt at voluntary amputation, as in Lucille's case. Could it just possibly be that the family had agreed with what had happened? Or, even worse, that they had, consciously or unconsciously, driven Lucille to her acts?





I caught myself; my thoughts were going in a direction that wasn't very pretty. It must have registered on my face, for at that very moment Lisa interrupted my line of thinking.





"Thomas. Listen carefully. After Lucille's second accident we decided to go talk to a family therapist. He confronted us with his conclusion that we wanted Lucille to become an amputee all along. And it is true, of course."





Bingo! My thinking was right on the mark! It didn't make me feel better at all, however.





"The question now is, Tom, will you fit in? Will you *want* to fit in? If not, please go now, and forget about me and my family."





"Ah, no, Lisa," I replied. "I won't go for that kind of choice. My choice is, do I want to be with you or not. The answer to that is 'yes', and if your family comes with the package, that's all right with me. I mean, I haven't had much chance yet to get to know them, but they seem to be a genuinely nice bunch of people. Hell, I haven't even got to know you! It's been only two weeks. But so far, I like what I see. Very, very much."





I paused to have another sip of my drink, a very good quality whiskey. Irish, by the taste of it. I put my glass back down, rather firmly.





"OK, since it's confession time, I'll reciprocate. You know very well that you having only one leg was the first reason for me to notice you. Meanwhile, I have gotten to know the person 'behind the stump' a bit better, and I can only repeat, I like you a lot. Now, you and your family already suspect that I'm a devotee, and to this I say 'Yes, indeed I am'. I couldn't have found a better woman. You are exactly right. And as far as your family goes, I couldn't have found a better bunch of in-laws. Your mum and sisters, as well as Charles girlfriend, are to me, shall we say, 'fascinating' women. And your dad and brother are guys just like me, fascinated. Who could ask for more? But apart from all this, my fascination and devotion are towards you. I want you."





****





Half an hour later, Lucille arrived home. She was the most amazing young woman I have ever seen. If she would still have had all her limbs, she might have been a strong contender in any miss competition. A face as a goddess, framed by the most beautiful red hear I had ever seen, smile that would melt the polar ice caps, breast that would make any woman envious, and a perfect body. However, there were no legs and no left arm. Her clothes made the absence of these limbs all the more clear; she wore a pair of jeans that fitted tighter than a surgeon's glove and a sleeveless top. None of these garments did anything to hide her defects. On the contrary, they only drew more attention to the stumps. Which was of course exactly what Lucille wanted.





When she came in she was using an electric wheelchair, which she controlled with her right hand. But after having greeted everyone in the living room - including me - she slid out of the chair and move on the floor toward the couch. This, and the way she managed to get onto the couch were one of the most amazing sights things a man can ever witness; I certainly won't forget it, no matter how long I live.